"self" doubt.

Truth is, who am I?
I am starting to doubt myself.
My capabilities, my confidence, my emotions, my personality, my thoughts.... etc.
What am I?
Who am I?

I just want to run away.

I hate to read happy blog posts.
I hate the idea that I can't cram that many seconds into my work.
I hate that I lost quality in my own world.
I hate to see myself lost in words.

On the contrary, I see a bright side to life.
1) Peak is going to be near over. But another peak is coming in May.
2) I am going to visit sis and travel a bit in july.
3) My ride is getting my hooked.
4) Staying up late to work and working on weekends have sort of "become" me.
5) I love and I am loved afterall.

I am so lost. Am I happy? Or am I doubting my own happiness?

depressed

i have been feeling depressed.

guess many cumulative events make my life so miserable.

oh well.

Family car wash

I must admit that I belong to a more than average income family. My dad had a car, we are staying in a fully paid house, with food on the plates.... not much financial worries that is.

We had a car always.

My dad couldn't survive without a car. He had no idea what a transitlink card was and later on, an ezlink card. However, I asked for a car from him when I passed my driving test (which I refused to take cause I wanted to be chauffeur-driven), he rejected me flatly. He said cabbing was cheaper than driving a car.

Despite being a knowledgeable person, he forgot that cabs charge peak, cbd and whatever nonsense surcharges.

So as an incentive for me to take on driving classes, he bought a new car which was chosen by me.

A baby blue sport lancer. I had wanted a manual but sis insisted that an automatic car was easier for her. Oh well.

The year I passed my driving (2005), my dad left for china to work. He said the car would be in my care.

We (dad, sis and myself) used to wash the previous cars we had together. It was quite fun. It was an easy feat because there were 3 pairs of hands. It was fast. Perhaps 1 hour or more will settle the wash, polishing and interior cleaning.

We had recently sold our lancer. My first car from dad. It was giving a funny noise. Timing belt problem. 6 years.

Feeling so emo because I had just returned from a car wash. I took 2 hours just to wash and clean the interior. Beside me was a family who washing their maroon lancer. Dad and 2 daughters.

Sighs.

Just like my dad, this lancer had to go.

But that would not be the last car from dad.

Cling Clang Tong Chang

We had too many finale dinners.

For each dinner that we have been to, we will toast to our finale with red wine.

But when will it be out last?

I feel a little sad thinking that, maybe like what Alvin said, as years passes by you, one by one starts to go and you feel lonely. I know it is a little pre-matured to feel that way. Oh well!

That makes me a little depressed.

I have thoughts of leaving. The thoughts seem so hard to suppress.

I am staying because I love my job, I love my peers, I love my bosses, I love my juniors, etc etc.

I harbour thoughts of leaving because I feel that the environment doesn't seem to justify my case.

It has been tough. It is going to get tougher.

Like what one of the manager mentioned on FB "??????????? ???? ????? XXXX ?????)"

Talking is cheap.

But neither am I saying action is the way to go.

I really miss the good old days.

When we did our work happily late into the night, enjoying a cuppa of beer @ Harry's, enjoying each other company and getting high at night.

The company is great.

Benefits are getting better.

So I am not complaining.

I tried to rationalise my thoughts.

I tried.

I know we can never go back to those days.

Neither can we stay in doldrums.

We ought to decide.

Meanwhile, everyone just shut up.

I hate to mix work with personal life.

But I am finding it hard.

Just let me deal with it.

I am not your wondergirls.

Contrary to many beliefs, I am definitely not one of your charlie angels, wondergirls, pretty thing or... whatever you call it.

I stand by my own thoughts. I am at high 5 because of the opportunity seeks it.

I believe in your goals, though it seems like catching a star in my hand. Maybe so. Because every moment is like seeing stars, being knocked down by you day by day. Seeing fallen people day by day makes me realised that I am standing not because you hold me up. But because seeing them fall, gives me humility to bend down and get them up.

A friend lends a helping hand. We need it more than ever.

My art.

Are we devising a losing strategy?

Or are we losing a battle?

Which is worse?

To draw a strategy doom to fail?

Or to fight a fight knowing you have fought?

Which is satisfying?

Spending time mulling over a strategy that is of no interest to you?

Or spending time exhausting your spirit in true faith for your soul?

Which is worthy?

Do we want to be known as a strategist or a warrior?

My label says it all.

Time for everyone to consider. SIGHS.

100th.

I think he is still around. Tell me how am I going to believe that he is gone for good?